- Patricia Ann Phillips
Blog 2 : Any meaningful recovery in my life
Updated: Nov 22, 2021
Any meaningful recovery in my life has been achieved through the application of a variety of ‘baby steps’ taken daily in a committed and consistent fashion, in the direction I want to go in. Any day I don’t take steps in the direction i want to go in, I am actually going backwards in real time rather than sideways, and that goes for everybody in my opinion, because that is the nature of the situation we exist with. More about this to come.
My YouTube algorithm has informed the basis of my recovery over the past 6 years, following a rock bottom, and it’s worked where all else has failed. And in the last 2-3 years I’ve been able to develop my life in ways that had previously been impossible. And in the last few weeks a singing voice has started to emerge, after my searching for it for decades. Up till now, my singing voice had been in lockdown..
I have been guided on this journey by extensively studying the teachings of the following extraordinary individuals, to name a few. I’ve also come to some insights of my own- Byron Katie; A Course In Miracles (I advise to not get ‘stuck’ on the old fashioned language used, and to look beyond it); Ekhart Tolle; Gabor Mate; Carl Jung; Leonard Jacobson; David Bingham; Lothar Schafer (quantum physicist); Shakti Gawain; Abdul Saad- Vital Mind Psychology; Jordon Peterson (this guy keeps getting better with age); The Mindful Movement; Caroline Myss; Sadhguru; Academy of Ideas; Dr. David Hawkins; David Richo; Ryan Holiday (Ego is the enemy); Tim Fletcher; Cynthia Bourgeault; ‘The pursuit of wonder’ and ‘Rupert Spira‘.
My recovery was initially motivated by a need to escape the terror of my internal reality during rock bottom. But over time, that motivation has become voluntary and based on my falling in love with the truths I’ve encountered. That ‘Truth’ is what I believe to be an ‘objective truth’ applicable to all (but not what mankind currently exists in as the norm in our everyday lives). More about that to come.
Meanwhile, given our currently maladapted systems, every adult alive develops some level of narcissism and exists somewhere on the narcissistic scale. We unconsciously attract partners with similar amounts of narcissism; and it’s a viable route to our own recovery actually, when both partners collaborate. However, the first step to any recovery is to remove yourself from any abusive or coercively controlling situation. There is no negotiation there unfortunately. I have no doubt been ‘saved’ by being able to achieve that miracle in my partner and environment. More about that later.
When we are in utero, and up to a few years old we have no capacity to discern or manage the wounding or shame we are being made to experience. Ie We have no natural, biological or mental defences against what is being internalised and ‘stamped’ into/onto us- we are like ‘sponges’. As adults we have no memory of this, but it is proven all the same.
Parents and caregivers need to understand that a child inherits mental health issues from its family systems irrespective of how much the guardians think they are shielding a child. It’s incredibly sobering in my opinion.
The ego is a unique set of fearful and adapted responses that then form a ‘filter’ through which we ‘see’ or ‘hear’, informing our perceptions. The ego was initially engendered by its host (you and I) in our formative years to keep us safe whence we experienced powerlessness and fear, (which we all experienced by default, living in a narcissistic world). This protective mental construct conceived by a youngster seeks to protect him/her from ever feeling powerless again; and in covert narcissism (and grandiose narcissism) which affects us all to differing degrees it means avoiding being authentic- ie being seen or heard. Unfortunately, the ego uses fear and abject terror to control its ‘host’ from being seen or heard which it perceives are the ‘mistakes’ that might cause him/her to be hurt again. Mankind is unaware that the thoughts that compel his dark and negative behaviours are lies, delivered to him unconsciously through the threat of fear and pain. We are all on autopilot, ie puppets on a string, and not ‘in control’, but rather in an unconscious state of reactivity. Each person’s filtering process is slightly different since our formative experiences vary hence the ego is not an ‘objective truth’, yet we still believe it as though it were.. We remain unconsciously invested in our ego’s methods to keep us ‘safe’ in adulthood, even though they are counterproductive once we are not powerless ie once we are no longer a few years old. More about this in another blog.
In those formative years we are indoctrinated onto the paths that we then present with later in life regards our values; cultures; desires; fears and belief structures. Mankind remains unaware of a great deal of what motivates him moment to moment, and this is why it is the case that mankind does not have a true ‘free will’. More about this later.
On my journey towards ‘the other side’ of covert narcissism, I’ve needed to cultivate a loving and healing self regard and an inner connection to ‘Self’ (which is a ‘higher’ version of myself). More about that to come.
A meticulous analysis of my behaviours through Byron Katie’s work has allowed me to access the toxic; unconsciousness that has existed in me. The integrity that has provided me has been immeasurable. And it is integrity that grows self esteem too. It’s not easy to ‘go there’ initially, due to the fear of what one might find, but that got easier once it became apparent that irrespective of whatever shameful or awful thing I have done, that I am no different to the rest of mankind… Imagine that. To explain…..we can see how we all act on our thoughts, right? ie We are unaware of the unconscious processes that are taking place and are naturally driven by them.. So whilst i also believe that a person must be held entirely accountable for his behaviour in order to heal, it’s important to exist in the truth that he is also ‘innocent’- to the extent that anyone with the exact same programming would arrive at the exact same behaviour. Both factors are true. This information is how I believe we can heal our society, including the inmates in our prisons. Because the first step to changing something is to ‘own’ its existence in the first place; and when a person can know wholeheartedly that they are innocent, they can have the courage to own up to just about anything to themselves, and be allowed to work through it.
More about this to come..
In singing, I’ve discovered more and more that my ‘true’ singing voice emerges at every baby step that I have taken to chip away at my ego. My understanding now is that a person’s ‘true’ voice is a pure and authentic sound that can be expressed effortlessly, but that our voices are inhibited by layers of unconscious interference including the physical manifestations of our negatively held beliefs by way of the micro muscle activity of the body.
In covert narcissism, I was never really ‘home’. ie ‘the lights were on’ but I was ‘out’ disassociating somewhere, and not steering ‘my ship’. My ego was steering the ship. Thus my ‘voice’ also didn’t take responsibility for itself. Its unconscious mechanics would seek to be somewhat hidden; restrained; indirect- preferring to give its power away instead of being accountable, which mirrors the covert narcissist ‘MO’. Obviously this singing approach would never be transcended through vocal exercises alone.
I’m still very scared at times and have knee jerk reactions to ‘hide’. But I won’t ever go back to where I’ve been, because I’m committed to never stopping learning how to love myself, and be a better person.
Sending Love xxx